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| I'm sorry my depression is ruining your life
I’m falling up from this
and you’ve been no help.
It’s too hard,
I know,
and I never told you
but I find it comforting
that you can’t ever be counted on.
(now best friend
means biggest letdown).
and we both accepted
that you don’t want
to be that person.
arguments over how
you’re letting me
push away and I spill
that this distance is comforting.
you’re scared by my
ideas of suicide
and I can’t be strong for you
so this space between
our words and intentions grows
and we stop pretending that anyone will help.
it’s better this way,
me drenched in apathy,
you choosing ignorance.
if I sink back,
I’ll know not to let myself need
this time.
Friends Forever
you've got a promise
clutched between your fingers
like it's your favorite song.
that friends forever thing
was bullshit
and we both knew it
as we scribbled
it in multi-chromatic sharpee
across the last three pages
of each other's yearbooks.
i'm wearing old scars
on my forehead,
like they're still fresh
and bleeding
and i'm trapt
in the memory
of a fight we never had,
just bracing for a letdown,
for the day
i have to pluck
you from the lyrics and locations.
i'm full of doubt again,
wanting to think i'm
underestimating your abilities,
wanting to think
i'm wrong in assuming
a triviality will explode
and the powder will singe
us past the point of better judgement.
let's be young and stupid
and most of all forgiving.
you've never been good
at keeping promises.
still amazed at how stupid i was.
| | |
| from last fall
What if I slept on my clothes?
What if I slept on my heart
Or my hands
Or my misrepresentations.
They’re lying there
Strewn on the bed
Instead of the floor.
I’m messy
Or maybe more
Or less.
This place isn’t home
One of the many
Things that translated
No one knows how to take care of me
Maybe one person did
Sometimes
And daddy did always try
But he couldn’t wrap his head
Around the details he didn’t see
And I still can’t slit my wrists onstage
(or off to be fair)
or even fake the motion.
Breakdowns occur in different states
With other people’s friends
And causes at hand.
Intimacy in cyber space
Thoughts sent through text messages
And facebook.
I am hooked into the machine
Like everyone else
Cold and robotic
The tone never translates.
Instead it builds
And wells
And overflows.
Those veins really are so thick.
But I’m squeamish after all
And why give everything
I kept stuck inside
Away
After everything.
Old fantasies beat new realities.
You know the one
With atevan and best buy
But there were others
That I scrubbed away.
Now there’s less ill-will
Supposedly
But it seems only like there’s less.
Can we shut up now?
Can we finally say what we think?
How are you?
And it’s just more air
Pushing air
Pushing
And I want to scream
I spill
I ooze
Anything but stay.
Anything but go
But act
Mostly think.
Honesty isn’t the best policy
Burn bridges or jump off them?
No matter the proximity
There’s nothing but space.
Deep breathes
And causes
And wishful thinking
Oh.
Can we shut up now?
BEST FRIENDS FOREVER!
We took short steps
Towards sinking ships.
Who can help the allure?
Salty air and upcoming wounds.
I took quick breaths
As I watched the cord snap
and stared.
It’s 2 a.m. in Downey
Do you know where your friendship is?
Mute gasps
And grabs at logic
Fill my pockets with blame
And send this ship out to sea.
The Atlantic is the wrong coast
But home is where the fool is
And my heart was supposed to share
Irvine, New York, and Berkeley
But now it’s just stuck in my throat.
IF YOU WANT YOU CAN STILL SAY YOU NEVER GAVE UP ON ME
Cut the cables
I’ll scream fuck you
Burning wouldn’t send us to hell quickly enough
This bridge is creaky and tired and worn—
Why tread shingles
When I can go down with the ship?
I’ve done enough damage
Forced enough two-man fixing
So get wiser
Or get out—
There’s no dial tone on cell phones
But my ears ring anyway.
Just make sure
You push aside the ashes
Before you build your better life
And make sure
To save some matches
Cremation can be consuming. | | |
| this site is dead but i'm miserable and i don't know where else to go.
a freshman killed themseves this morning. apparently they jumped out of their window into the courtyard of u-hall. i thought nyu dorms were strategically designed to avoid this sort of thing.
i didn't feel much at the news, i suppose. nothing but a bit of envy. i'm mostly miserable with short burtst of good. jealous of everyone all the time again. i don't know where i wish i was i'm just so incredibly, horribly lonely. it's not just oh these first three or four weeks of school have been hard, it's oh yeah, the last few years have been hard, the last year was horrible and i was miserable for most of summer as well. the only things i look back on fondly are chicago and torturing nogh. i ichatted with karine today but it was empty. i haven't watched a movie i like in a month. i don't even know why i'm here, suffering this misery. it's not just the getting used to school. i feel like it's been bad for so long and it's only getting worse. part of me wants to cry to someone who'll give me a hug and tell me it's going to be okay. but not just that "adjusting is hard" cry. a huge, lay my nasty cards on the table cry. but it wouldn't work. i wouldn't believe it. and i could never pull that off. | | |
| there are def ups and downs with this. no real ups i guess. it's getting irritating. i went into tonight with the mindset that i would be out of my head because i'd be plenty tispy and plenty touchy. i ended up playing cards with a guy from my floor and his friend from a few floors up which was nice, and more likely to form a lasting bond, but still nto what i was looking for. i need something that really gets my mood up, really gets me out there. i feel really alone here, still, and now that i feel more like i'm setteling in it feels off. i'm going to have a good deal of work to do when i finally start it tomorrow afternoon so it might be better if i never end up hitting a party. music that usually resonates is starting to tug heartstrings again. and i won't even allow myself to listen to the most potent stuff. but that wall will break soon. some things change, some things stay the same. fuck. i have to be somewhere in eight hours. i really just want that sense of closeness. things are coming slighlty more into perspective now though. whatever. i'm fucking tired. everybody sucks. whatever. whatever. whatever. | | |
| it's weird here. i have no system. i haven't gotten that much work to do yet so i spend some time sitting around semi-bored. i don't have any real friends or a social group or whatever. it's not that bad but i get lonely sitting around me room. or walking back from class technically part of a conversation on aquiring (sp?) pot. i could not care less. everyone here smokes pot, hooka, and/or cigarettes. i don't think i have much in common with most people here, even film people. that's to be expected. and it's not as bad because things with karine seem a little better. she called yesterday with guy problems. nice to feel the familar. nice to know she hasn't changed that much. considering vegetarianism again. i'm a bad girl, ignoring my self-imposed rules. tsk. tsk. whatever. i haven't decide whether or not i'm going to the gym today yet. i need some enjoyment or entertainment first. might feel a little bad if i don't go. might not. we'll see. i don't have class for five hours, so it's a good opportunity. but club fair this afternoon, not that there isn't plenty of time. whatever. we'll see. | | |
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